Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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