I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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