What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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