What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize