I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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