She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
