why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize