im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
