I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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