I'm gonna have a badass scar
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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