I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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