Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
