Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
