Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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