Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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