when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
