the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
