Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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