the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
