Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Welp...herpes.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Dignity is for republicans.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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