Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
