Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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