I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
