My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
