Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Randomize
