forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
