he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
