You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
