Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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