I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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