You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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