i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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