You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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