it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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