Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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