god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
