i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
