I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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