Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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