Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
