i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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