You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
