My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
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