I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
