im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Randomize
