I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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