Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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