smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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