***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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