I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
