I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
you would pick up someone in the library
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
