Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
