alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
