what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
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