sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
