I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
that's an acceptable place to lick
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
