I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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