I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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