You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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