so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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