I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Randomize
