What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
